...doubts, doubts...

[apparently one of the only good things the cabinotto is able to do in this office is turning the radio on... but today he says he needs to concentrate, so he doesn't want music *sic*]Doubts are about my job, as usual, and they've come to haunt me once again, tho' the latest few weeks I thought I had climbed one more step towards the sureness that I love what I'm doing and I'd be glad to do it till my retirement...Don't get me wrong, I DO love what I'm doing, it's not that I loathe it (but sometimes I'd prefer... because then I wouldn't have any doubts wheter to change or not...); but but... there are so many buts.It's not about my workplace: it has some cons but also many pros, and I feel lucky to be here, as it is one of the very few places which nowadays can assure you a stability. It's about the kind of job: it's so brainy that I sometimes feel like all my intellectual energies were completely sucked by it, and moreover I don't think that being a programmer is my #1 skill. No, I don't have any longer the paranoias of the very first weeks, when I was thinking not to be good enough for this, not to be able to ever reach the level of my colleagues...No, it's not like this: apart from the fact that, after 7 months, I've got aware that the level of skill of (very most of) my colleagues is not that high, so it won't be totally impossible to reach it as well; but anyway I'm aware that I'll never be a top horse in this kind of job... I have my limits in this field, many of which I've even moved forward in these months, but I sometimes have to work mentally really hard and making big efforts to fix troubles and to understand things that are not my cup of tea but that I have to cope with.It's not so terrible, I'm also having my parts of satisfaction and pure passion about what I'm doing; but what I mean is: why do I have to be content of being pretty good in this job while in another I could be better??If you asked me one year ago, or even before (just after my graduation, for example), I would have tell you that my dream job was in the marketing/communication area. And actually it still is. I'm having a nice time as a programmer, but I honestly can't say this is my DREAM job. So what? When you talk with people it's hard to find someone who's doing what he/she has always wanted to do... and maybe I should stop being naivy and get aware that life rarely fits dreams, so be content of what I have, which is already a lot, and stop complaining all the time.But the other voice inside me tells me that I would be mad not trying to improve, not trying to chase my dreams. Just trying, just being able to tell myself one day: "Ok, you haven't what you wanted, but at least you did everything possible to get it". That would be enough, I guess I would be satisfied anyway.The point is that now "trying" is not any longer as when I was studying, when I didn't have nothing to lose: now I have a job, a good job that gives me so many warranties to lose; and I can't allow myself any longer just to dream, I also have to be realistic.Here in Torino it's already difficult to find a job in the marketing area; finding one that would give me warranties of a life-long term contract as the one I have now, is impossible.Then every job has its pros and its cons, and since I am a pretty paranoid/complaining person, I would probably not be happy either. But, as Manuela told me in the phonecall of yesterday evening (which helped me to put in words this feeling that haunts me), problems are everywhere, but if you're doing what you love they're much lighter.And I'm still so young... if I don't try to chase my dreams NOW, when I'll be able to?? When I will be 50 and will be able only to regret? No, I don't, I f***ing don't. In choices sometimes being rational doesn't pay. I don't want to get old and think to myself "Well... what a plain life I've done".As I've already written I do love my current job, but maybe what I like of it are the satisfactions given by the fact of creating something by yourself, of fixing troubles using your own brain, of being occupied the whole day in something... but not the job itself. The simple idea of doing this for my whole life gives me a sort of anxiety :S I would feel like I've been stuck in something I haven't chosen, something that doesn't really belong to myself...When I signed my contract I was aware of this: that maybe it wouldn't have been my path; but anyway it would have been something that would have gained me experience and knowledge, and moreover it would have helped me to know myself better, to know my skills and to know what I want from life. And this is exactly what I have now.Finding the job I'd like will probably mean attending an MBA master, which expensive and not easy to enter; but I'm gonna try this way as well. Maybe my new jobhunting will never lead to anything, as it's not easy, but I want try everything possible: if it goes wrong I still have this job.Aww... I feel better now. Less doubtful. Till tomorrow, at least ;)